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Why Have You Forsaken Me ?!?!?!?!?

One month into the New Year & I'll bet that most of us have already given up or failed with our New Year's Resolution. Leaving us with negativity and feeling like a huge failure. If you read my last post, you know that for the most part, I gave up on resolutions.

I wanted to make changes before the New Year, so that when that time came around, I could make that, a day to celebrate the new me. The fact is. I failed miserably. I was going to fast, and pray diligently; asking & expecting God to change me. I failed the first week. Not only once, but a few times. And because I gave in to my temptation and broke my fast, I figured why keep trying. It's too late. God hate's me and has left me.

It's been a mess. Crying. Sad and depressed. Confused. Irritated. Feeling alone, & forgotten. Feeling helpless and useless. Failing again for the 1000th time. Mixed with turning 51 & feeling a mid life crisis coming on. I pretty much gave up on the change I was seeking, and as usual, took my anger at myself, out on God for not giving me some kind of instant miracle. (After all, he did deliver me from smoking and drinking literally overnight 1 year and 2 months ago, so I was going to expect it). And that is exactly what Satan wanted to happen. He is very good at deceiving us into believing that it's God's fault or that he doesn't love us or hear us. The fact is that Satan would really like me to give up on God completely. And although I stop praying or reading the bible for a while, Giving up on God just isn't going to happen. My God loves me regardless of my stupidity and for that I love him, depend on him tremendously, and keep praying for deliverance again and again and again, not only for me, but for family, friends and those I came into contact with that day.

We really should stop focusing on an immediate change, and focus on changes we made over the course of the last year or years. Change comes slowly. Especially if your dealing with an addiction, habit or sin that you have been holding onto for years and possibly decades.

Maybe there wasn't much or any change. Life? Full of surprises. Things? They come along that are beyond our control. Pain? Love? Hurt? Sickness? Death? Chaos? Good or bad. Life just gets in the way, and there are things that we just can't control.
God knows how difficult it is. He knows it will take you years or maybe even decades to rid yourself of it. He knows that you will give into it, most likely more then once, and maybe even as I have, a thousand times. I know that as long as we just keep pushing forward with God in our lives that everything will work out for the good. Does it mean that the good will happen in this life? Maybe.. maybe not.

Life just gets in the way. Life can suck big and quite honestly, as another friend put it recently, "Shit Happens" and it may lead to doubt about God. It's not Gods fault. It's this world full of crap.  Crappy people, crappy situations and the nature of sins fault.
We should also stop trying to live the way we think others want us to live or act. Be yourself. After all, there is no one like us. We are each special, unique, and were made to be just who we are.. Even in all that mess your dealing with. Our mess can be made to be a beautiful thing.

I often wonder.... What is it that those who say they truly love and follow Jesus, makes them turn completely away? or stops people from even beginning that walk in the first place. Perhaps they didn't have a group of people to study the bible with, or followers that they could rely on in a crisis? Those in my home group are the people that bring me back to reality. Life just is.. and God isn't a fix it all.

Perhaps it is also the stupid phrases that Christians really need to stop using. They can lead to a continue in our struggle, halt it, and at times turn people completely away from their walk with God. And why? Because they set up unreal expectations and we are told things that quite frankly God never promised and are not comforting in our toughest times of struggle.

It also could be Hypocrisy, and Christians are good at being hypocrites. I know I am, and I'm sorry for that. You must always remember though. Christians, like you are just humans with frailties and bad habits. Being a Christians doesn't make us better. Unfortunately, Hypocrisy is another reason people may leave their faith & walk away. May I suggest reading Romans 14. Good read that book of Roman's. To sum up what it says... Worry about yourself and not what others are doing. You have one person to answer to and only one person can judge you.. So get over yourself and stop worrying about whether I am doing what you think is right or wrong. If I am wrong, I will answer to God and not to you.

Whatever we go thru. It's not really Gods fault. Jesus' famous last words, crying out to his father, before his death, was, "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani"? that is, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?

Isaiah tells us that “he bore our griefs and carried our sorrows; that he was wounded for our transgressions, and bruised for our iniquities; that the chastisement of our peace was laid upon him; that by his stripes we are healed” (Isaiah 53:4-5). He redeemed us from the curse of the law, being made a curse for us (Galatians 3:13). He was made a sin-offering, and He died in our place, on our account, that He might bring us near to God. It was this, doubtless, which caused His intense sufferings. It was the manifestation of God’s hatred of sin, in some way which He has not explained, that Jesus experienced in that terrible hour. It was suffering endured by Him that was due to us, and suffering by which, and by which alone, we can be saved from eternal death.

After completing all of this for us... I am sure he now asks that same phrase of us.

When used out of context (which they usually are) some of the following phrases have halted me, slowed me down or made me angry with God. As they do, most people dealing with a struggle. We need to remember that life just gets in the way. Keep moving forward & have hope that in this world or the next.. All will work out for the good & then and most likely only then, will everything be worked out to be perfect and beautiful.

* That's not a very Christian thing to do - STOP SAYING IT!!!
Stop already.. Christian's are just people and people are fallible.. Christian or not. And since Christians are people / human.. they will let you down, just as everyone else does.... just because we are Christian does not mean that we are better or more perfect than anyone else... humans suck. Christian or not. You judge, we judge, you sin, we sin, we all are idiots and need to just get along.

* God won't give you more than you can bear - REALLY? STOP IT!!!
Not in the Bible.. And really? If someone is confiding in you with their trials, this is not what they need to hear. Its just dumb. I could ask, why to so many things. It is more then I can handle. That's why I get so angry with you God.. You handle it.. The fact is...... God said that this life wouldn't be easy. Life on this earth just gets in the way. What I do know. Is that when something I can't handle leads me to fall or fail, I often come back to God harder then I do in my usual day and I am again more aware that I am just a stupid human who needs to be repentant and who really needs God and a Savior.  Our faith is demonstrated by our recognition that we cannot bear the burdens ourselves and trust in the grace of God who bears them with us.

* Hate the sin, but love the sinner - DUMB-DA-DUMB!!!
Not even in the Bible. But Jude 1:22-23 contains a similar idea
Shut up already!!! I guess this one just rubs me the wrong way, as it has been used almost exclusively for the gay community as of late. The word sinner just seems to be synonymous for the homosexual. I have rarely heard it used for any other group or type of person. I guess you could say that this is Tough Love. We should love and show respect for all people, regardless of their acts, but to truly love, we should know that it is not hateful to tell someone that what they are doing is harmful to them.
God works in mysterious ways - True.. but this doesn't help during a struggle.

It's all part of Gods plan - STOP IT!!!

This doesn't help anyone.. Life is not easy.  It is full of challenge, of sorrow, and pain.  It is full of mystery and things we will struggle to understand.  Throughout it all, we will be tempted to ascribe everything to a plan or to fate in order to make us feel better about knowing that someone is in control.
So the one who was raped? molested? suffering from Cancer? The Jews in a Nazi prison? This was his plan? God does not seek to be in control, God seeks for us to be free.  And so, God has never promised us that everything would work out.  God has never assured us that we would not suffer.  God has never said that a life of faith was not without its risks; in fact, Jesus told us that a life of faith may cost us everything.  But God has promised to be with us in all the times of our lives.  In the times of joy and of sorrow, in celebration and in mourning

Your faith wasn’t strong enough - REALLY NEED TO STOP IT!!!
This is most likely not the truth at all! Most people use this in the case of a loved one not getting healed when prayed for. You could almost go as far to say, "I had faith that I would be healed, it was your lack of faith that failed me"
Have you ever wondered why God doesn't just heal your diseases or miraculously rid you of cancer? or make that daily pain go away? Nobody knows why except God. Some people get healed and some don't. For Example. Maybe you have had a lifelong stomach issue, but refuse to give up eating something that causes that pain. Do you think God can heal that? Nope.. stop eating it, you need to heal that. Not everything is up to God.

God wanted them in Heaven - YEA.. THIS HELPS (insert sarcasm)
Oh yes.. that's why God let them all be shot by some maniac in an elementary school. Not God's doing by the way. Yes, God wants us all to be with him, but death is not what he wanted for us in this world. Not his original plan.

God is testing you – stand firm! - STOP IT!!!


Don't worry, God has a plan - STOP IT!!!
As much as this may be true. Please don't tell me this when I am in a crisis. This one really does turn me away from faith. Every situation cannot be solved by a bible verse or tag line. I don't think God needs us to explain tragedy's. He needs us to comfort each other within those tragedies. This world is sin and sin creates tragedy.

* You were blessed with the gift of Singleness - JUST STOP IT!!!
This may be one of the best ways to tick off a single Christian. I don't think that someone who truly want's children or a spouse, or even just a partner would agree with this. Oh yes.. they may get used to it, but I doubt that most see it as a blessing. And after reading blog after blog of those out there whom have chosen this, please note the blogs where you complain about it and depressed about it. That is not what God desires.

This also halts that gay person who is told that they need to be single and celibate to be a follower, to be forgiven and to receive salvation. Not true. I shudder at those who use the term SSA (same sex attracted) As if Gay and Christian can't be used together. The good old Christian stereotype. As if the word Gay implies that you are a pervert or sexually active. Also not true. I am Gay and I am a Christian. To use the term SSA just implies that you think you are better then the rest. That somehow, God favors you above all the rest, and quite frankly, your reasoning is the thing that created all of us to be lost and broken people in the first place. STOP IT!! Your gay... Get over it!!


The Good News!!
By the grace of Jesus I/we have been delivered and saved. Whether you are Gay, Straight, Single or not. Murderer, Kidnapper, Rapist or Adulterer. Married or Divorced. If relying on Jesus. Our sin, our mistakes, our doubts, our pain; is not a salvation issue, but to have victory and freedom in this life we need healing from our wounds and scars. We need to be free from the sins that hold us back.

Despite what people may tell you, Please don't give up on God. It may not feel like it, but thru your opposition and difficult trials, He hasn't forsaken nor given up on you. He hasn't left you, He hasn't unforgiven you, You haven't lost your Salvation.

Don't Give up on him. But if you do, he gave us the free will to do so. But having left him; Does it make anything better? In time, He will make everything beautiful. You have nothing to fear with God on your side. He's not against you. And should you choose to come back... He will gladly accept you. But completely walk away from him for Good? I shudder at the consequences of that decision.


If there's a sin that is moving you away from God... or a dumb phrase you were told by someone else. Don't let it or Satan get the best of you, or get a hold of you. Satan does not have good intentions in mind for you. He will give you an eternity of far worse then what you have ever gone thru in the small frame of time we are here.
After an injury we experience much pain, and the blood that we bleed creates a scar until our bodies miraculously heal themselves. Renewed, as if it never happened. Such is the blood of Jesus. His precious blood streaming all over our pain, our wounds, our scars, our sins and cleansing us back to renewal.

My Mess, your mess, their mess is a message. A message of struggle, a message of hope, and a message of redemption. Hope that someone struggling knows that it can get better. That there are others struggling with the same exact thing. Hope that thru the struggle, we become stronger.

Back to our slow and constant change. Soon enough, we won't be who we used to be. Most likely, we will never be exactly where we want to be. We will always be a slow work in progress, and that's the point. Don't keep seeking out the radical and overnight change, as in a New Year's resolution. Most of us break them and I seem to remember reading a study that stated that we make the same resolution for almost a decade, before we finally can say we did it.

Take pride and celebrate the small steps. Look at where you were at and where you are now. If you are struggling with something and just starting your walk. That's awesome.. See? you have something to celebrate as well. You've made a choice. That's a huge step in itself.

May we always pray for a forever faith. To never have doubt and to be filled with wisdom. To have faith and no doubts that God IS always there. Please don't walk away and forsake him. It may not feel like it, but he is and always will be there. There is the hope that one day, he will return and everything as well as us will be perfect, just as it was meant to be.. So continue to move forward and don't let others knock you down or off of your course.

Look forward to your future. Pray often and know that you are forgiven and wonderful.

Philippians 4:6
Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Making a New - New Year's Tradition

What if you could take your emotional baggage on a trip, to find that when you land, and when you arrive at baggage claim to pick it up, that it magically disappeared. Got lost in transit. Where did it go? Never to be found or to enter your life again? Would you care?

This week I flew home to visit my family, and last night we had a family dinner and get together of roughly 30 of us. It was something I so needed. Honestly, I didn't want it to end as fast as it did. I often regret having moved away from home. Missing all my nieces and nephews having kids. Getting to know their kids as well as getting to know them, my siblings and my parents better.

A week before I left home, I thought to myself. What if they ask me to pray before dinner. I had this beautiful & wonderful prayer all thought out, about despite our hardships, we thank God for all the blessings he has given us. For giving us a family that cares & loves each other as much as we do Him, Prayer to heal us, to give us peach & freedom from suffering and pain in our lives, Etc.....

Never did I think that I would actually be asked to Pray. But I was asked and as usual, as I started praying, I got nervous and flubbed it all up.

I hated it. I sounded so stupid. Why can't I just get over this praying in front of others thing. I always fear that I won't sound eloquent enough. I put so much pressure on myself that it just doesn't come out the way I wish it had. To have it flow out of my mouth effortless, meaningful, touching others hearts & souls & touching them with a thought or inkling of the Love of God; right in that moment. Part of me also wanted them to know, that Look. I have changed. I am a man of God. You can now believe that it is true. I am no longer the lost person I once was.. But I digress...


So I wake up from a dream that really horrified me at 3AM and couldn't go back to sleep for fear that it would come back. And then the thoughts on this post kept running through my head, weighed heavy on my heart and I had to share them, and as many times in the past, God keeps nudging me to stay awake and write out my thoughts before they are lost. Thank goodness for naps. :)

The thing about my prayer is;  it is now in the past. I can't change it. It is done and it is over. Forget about it and move on. 364 days ago, I decided to give part of my past to God, to forget about it and to move on. I asked Him to take my alcohol and smoking addiction completely away. I was using it to escape and cope with my anger at how religion had treated me, and for Who I was (a gay man) and thinking that I was going to hell for it. Being mad at God for making me this way. And amazingly I woke up One Year Ago today, my cravings for it, and my guilt about being gay and being angry with God and religion was done. It was finished.

Matthew 11:28New Living Translation (NLT)

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.

I have been thinking about the many friends who have come into my life, in the last few months. Those in my Bible Study Group and even those in my family, who are suffering. Something in their lives that is holding them back from moving forward and onward. Throwing them in addictions that they just can't break. Something, maybe even that they themselves are holding over their own head that they just can't let go of.

Escaping into alcohol, drugs or some other coping mechanism to escape whatever it is that is holding them hostage. I get it.. I have been there. Believe it or not, We have all been there and still are at times. If he can forgive me of the horrifying, degrading and putrid things that I have done, He can most certainly forgive you.

If its a loss of someone or something. I understand. It stinks, it's not fair and it hurts deep and hard. Life isn't ever fair. I am not saying get over it, but we do need to move on somehow. Life is moving forward and we have things that need to be done and need to be taken care of, and we can't do that if we keep holding on to the past. Holding onto our baggage, holding on to the thoughts of the idiotic things we do and the terrible ways that we treat each other. We are human. We were born into this sin nature that takes our lives and makes us to stupid things.

Some people find it hard to believe that God is a loving father. Their role models of a father or even their mother has not been pleasant. So that thought of God, our Father being loving is skewed to say the least. But let me be clear before I ask you to take this next step. Our true Father; God, is nothing but love. He is not angry at you. He does not hate you. He never leaves you. He is and will always be there to pick you up.
If you are reading this post and it speaks directly to you. You being stuck in the past and can't let it go. I ask you to do something right this very minute. And take it seriously. Maybe it would help to have a Christian friend there with you.

Turn off your TV, your phone, your radio, and all the sounds around you. Cut out all the distractions. Now sit in your favorite chair, sit on your couch or even on the floor. Wherever you are the most comfortable and feel at peace. Now close your eyes and Imagine that your best friend, your best buddy; God or Jesus (whichever makes you most comfortable) is sitting right next to you; face to face; with both of his hands holding yours. What is he saying to you?

If he is telling you that you are a failure, a loser, you will never amount to anything, you are worthless... THAT IS NOT GOD, NOR IS IT JESUS. That my friends is Satan, sitting there as if he is God. Did he trick you? That's what he does and that's what he is best at. Trying to imitate God and trap you in his snare. Not even he can be happy with his own identity. He is the one trying to hold you hostage. He is the liar, the deceiver and the voice in your head that wishes to weigh you down in heavy chains of burden and guilt. So heavy that you can't get free to move any further ahead. Speak to him and tell him in the name of Jesus Christ, that he is not welcome here anymore. Tell him to get up and leave your home. Get mad at him until he gets up and walks out that door. That chair and your space is only open to God. Now that he is gone. Never mention his name again. He is done and he is finished.

Now imagine the true God sits down. He reaches over to you and places his hands, gently on each side of your face, lovingly he forces you to look into his eyes. Then he places his hands on your shoulders, looking you eye to eye, and He say's to you, "I Love You", "I know everything you have done. It doesn't matter". Then he starts stroking the back of your head and pulls you into him and holds you. Placing your head on his shoulder, He puts his arms around you and He says, "It's all in the past. You are my forever child. Nothing you have done, or said, or thought. Nothing that you will ever do will affect our relationship. I love you. You are forgiven. All those things you have done. All those things that others have said to you. All the ways that others have tore you down. All the ways that you can't forgive yourself. My child, Its all in the past. Neither you or I can change that. So let it go. Gather all your baggage, All the dead weight, all your heavy burdens and hand them over to me. They are no longer your burdens to carry, they are mine to deal with now. Never to be seen or heard of again. I died so that you could live. So you could live free of all the mistakes and failures that you think you have created or done. You are human. I made you perfect. I knew all that you would do even before you were even born. Yet despite all of that and this. I CHOSE YOU. I chose you to be a child of God. I Love You. Just as you are and right where you are at. LET IT GO. I am your real and true father. My Love is all you need".


God is telling you to forget the past. You can't change it. Don't let anyone or anything disqualify you from God's love or even from loving yourself. God forgives, so that you may life.

I know it is hard. Trust me. I still struggle with things that I did yesterday or the day before. But I forget about it. I sincerely cry to God and ask him to forgive me and I move on and move forward in my walk with Him.

I am sincerely asking you, begging you and pleading with you to make this change. This is what changed my life. I know that you may have been hurt by religion. But remember, religion is made up of people. It's not religion that hurt you. It's people. It's not God that hurt you, It was people. It was the devil and his minions. You will always be hurt by people. Even Christians. People hurt people, even when it was not meant to hurt you. That's our past baggage welling up inside of us again.
But I urge you. Find a church. One that fits you. None of them will be perfect, and it my take visiting quite a few before you find one that fits. My fit was one that was non-denominational. I didn't want to fit in the box of Lutheran, Mormon, Catholic, Protestant, etc.. on and on. I already have a label that is given to me "Gay".
I don't need another one.

I am a Christian. A follower of Jesus. I don't need a denomination telling me how to live or what rules to follow. That is not what it is about. Man made most of the rules. The Jews came up with 613 commandments. :'( Not God. Who do you know that can even follow the 10 commandments that God did give us, let alone 613? Even God knows that we can't keep his 10. Why do you think that Jesus had to die and shed his blood for us?

So find a church. YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE FIXED BEFORE YOU GO TO CHURCH. Go to church first. Right where you are. Be honest and up front with people. If you need help or prayer. ASK FOR IT. If they are true followers of Jesus, they will talk you thru it. they may want to spend time with you. They will pray for you. Going to church, learning the Bible (join a bible study group) this is what will fix you. It will be a slow process.

Psalm 34:18 Living Bible (TLB)

The Lord is close to those whose hearts are breaking; he rescues those who are humbly sorry for their sins.
 

It took me a year to break the alcohol and smoking addiction. One year later I am still dealing with other things. If you have been following my blog, you know what those are. One day.. I will break those chains that are holding me down as well. Hopefully with this 40 day challenge those will be broken off.

Here is another challenge, and I wrote about this exactly one year ago. In the Bible, 40 days is talked about often. And it always has to do with testing or judgement. It is usually the length of time necessary to accomplish some major part of God's plan.
New Year's day is just about 40 days away. On day number 1 of the new year, most of us make resolutions to change. But last year, I made a new resolution. On New Years day, I want to be able to celebrate change, not start it. So last year I started the 40 day challenge. My challenge last year was to never again pick up another drink with alcohol in it or another cigarette. I gave in on each once during that time, but the instant they hit my lips. I tossed it. Never to touch them again this entire year. It is finished.

This year is a new challenge. And when I get back home from visiting my family, the New Year will be 43 days away. I will fast for most likely a week, possibly more and praying earnestly to God to forgive me and to change me. For his will to be done in me.
I ask that you look deep within yourself. Are you happy in your current life? Is your life getting any better without God, Jesus or church in it? Have you listened to all the things religion has stuffed down your throat that is a complete and utter lie? Is your pattern of life making you happy or plain miserable?

My life has been so much better since I found God. Since I found church. Since I joined a Bible Study Group and am learning what Christ really is about. You won't find out the truth from TV or the news, or non-christians.

John 8:32New International Version (NIV)

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

My life has only gotten better. It took me decades to figure that out. Don't let decades pass you by.. Do it now. Make this year truly a year of change for you. The change that truly matters. Not the change that matters to others. Stop worrying about what others think of you and focus on what God wants for you. He is the only thing that will matter in the scope of things now and when you are gone from this earth.

The beauty is that God loves us so much that he gives us the free will to choose, but we are not free from the consequences of our choice.

Place Your Life Before God

Romans 12:2The Message (MSG)

So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

It's Not the Title that's Important! Is it?

Titles can be important. The title of a blog (which I am not good at), a news article, A Title at work, but as Religion always seems to be the opposite of what we know; Is a title at church a good thing?

I have been trying to deal with an issue that because I am Gay, I am hoping for something that I can quite possibly never have or attain.

I am wholly accepted for who I am at church and shown nothing but love and respect. I serve the church weekly in many ways, and I am always readily available to help out or step in whenever or wherever needed. I get so much joy out of it. Besides, It just feels right in serving and helping others as well as God. It is always good for the soul to chip in.

When we go the extra mile where we work, we want a pat on the back. A thank you from someone. Words of praise. We expect something for it. We want promotions and titles. But at church. I don't expect it nor do I really need it, but then lately my pride starts getting in the way. Not for the serving, but for what has been offered and what has been taken away.

I was told a few months ago that although I am hosting a bible study group in my home once a week, that I can't be the leader. Even though nobody in this group is willing to step up and lead. That because I have a same sex partner, I won't be allowed or even considered by the church to lead the group. Now mind you. I don't really want to lead the group either, but I also don't want the group to stop, so I offered.

Yes my partner and I sleep in the same bed (huge King Size by the way) usually with dogs or pillows in between us and we have been non-sexual for over 10 years. So you would think that it wouldn't be an issue to always be used against me. But I am told, "Well if you sleep in the same bed, the temptation is too much". Really? So the decade that we have shared a bed and haven't hardly even touched isn't enough? I struggle more with thoughts of having sex outside of my relationship. Just so I can touch and be touched. I know.. what a stupid statement and an oxymoron.

Funny how in the Bible, God talks about how it is better to be single, but if a man or woman can't control themselves, then they should marry and that you shouldn't leave your marriage. So the very high divorce rate within church isn't an issue for leadership? The singles with significant others isn't a problem? Are they honest about their sexual relationship? Yes.. I could lie about it, but I won't.

1 Corinthians 7:8-11The Message (MSG)

^8-9 I do, though, tell the unmarried and widows that singleness might well be the best thing for them, as it has been for me. But if they can’t manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single.

^10-11 And if you are married, stay married. This is the Master’s command, not mine. If a wife should leave her husband, she must either remain single or else come back and make things right with him. And a husband has no right to get rid of his wife.

Pardon me for being blunt. My usual anger is starting to come out and show. But it must be nice to be able to have a God sanctioned marriage so because you can't control yourself, you can marry, and have someone to help with your urge. Someone to experiment with. Someone who can hold you, cuddle you and touch you with full on love.

I don't think that most people in the church realize just how hard it is to lead a whole life being celibate. A life of not being held. A life not being able to share with someone you care for or vice versa. Also while trying not to masterbate,  watch porn, to get relief from the strong urges and demons that continually corrupt your mind. Trying to live a life suppressing that your entire lifetime. Let's be honest here. I am sorry, but the saying that God is all that you need is a lie. If that were true, then we all would be okay just being single and celibate.

Heterosexuals can tell me 24/7 that they understand. But you don't. I can't have a child that is biologically both a part of me and my partner. I can't have God sanction my partnership. Yes. I can get married. But it will be looked down on by not only Christians but by God. And all those that I would want to invite to see me married wouldn't come just for the mere fact it is a Gay wedding. I could go on and on. And stop telling Gay people and Gay couples that they must be celibate or leave their relationship. I am pretty sure the blood of Jesus can handle that. You aren't doing any of them favors and you aren't bringing anyone to God or staying with God telling them otherwise. Better to remind yourself that you got married for a reason. Because even you yourself couldn't control yourself. How heavy is that log in your eye now?

So you ask. Why do you and your partner even stay together? Why not just end your relationship and move on? Just like a heterosexual couple, we made a commitment to stay with each other thru thick and thin, and quite honestly, I need someone in my life who cares for me, whom I care for. Someone to share moments and life with.

Sorry God, but I cannot and will not be alone. I have to have faith that the blood covers me. Why is it that the Gay man or women are excluded from the same sanctioning from God as the heterosexual. Also to be excluded from everything else in life that God says they can enjoy. And to be even more frank. I know for a fact that without my partner in my life, I would go back to drinking, probably smoking, daily porn, possibly anonymous sexual encounters and would probably not attend church much at all. I am not as strong as some of you may be.

I fully believe that God places us all with where we are at and whom we are with. Every person I have met, or left has gotten me to where I am at today. Without my partner, as I have said many times, I am not quite sure I would have come back to God. We helped each other to make that mutual decision two years ago.

1 Corinthians 7:17 The Message (MSG)
¹⁷ And don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life. Don’t think I’m being harder on you than on the others. I give this same counsel in all the churches.

So I was told that I can't be a leader of my home group, but now am being asked if I want to be a leader of another team within the church. Which requires a one on one meeting to discuss first. I have much trepidation and angst about the whole thing as I know that I am going to be asked to change my relationship in order to do so. Which is fully known that I won't do that. So why would they even ask? It's quite upsetting. Why are you setting me up for major disappointment. Have I not dealt with enough of that in my life as a gay person.  I really want the title of leader, and part of me says its just Pride getting in the way. Another part of me says that it could be a major lesson for a lot of people within the church. Funny thing is... it's not really much of a leadership position as most of them are.. It's really a minor leadership. But it is a stepping stone.

I have been told, have felt and its funny that I ran into a sermon today that mentioned that a title means nothing. It's just our pride. We always want to have our name in lights. To be seen by others as being special. Being someone important. I don't need a title to lead in the church. Nor do I need a title to minister, disciple, encourage others, to pray with or for others, nor do I need the title to inspire others. I can do all of that without the need of a title. I have felt that I am being told to just be humble. To turn down the offer and just be me. To not get caught up in it all. All that is small potatoes to what is in store for me.

It does still bother me that within the church, it is always about what man wants. Its not about what God wants. There are no conditions on the Grace and mercy of God, yet those conditions are always placed on me as a Gay man.

I strongly feel that me being a leader would be a major plus within the church. I think it would be saying that we don't just talk the talk, but we walk the walk. When we say that we accept all that we mean it. I feel as though others who are struggling with forgiveness would look at me, as a Gay man in leadership and think to themselves, "If the gay man can be forgiven, accepted and be a man of God, then how much more am I forgiven and accepted for the things that I have done".

Besides. It's not my business what the single heterosexuals do or don't do in their bedroom. Neither is it your business. Why being Gay is just associated with we are always having sex just boggles my mind. I don't assume that you are always having sex and I really don't care to know. I am a human. An individual. By being defined as gay does not mean that I am a pervert. Get over it already please.

Now don't get me wrong. I see their side as well. There have been a few gay people in our church before we arrived. But we are the first couple. And our leaders are trying to fit that in and tread lightly. And I don't blame them. I can totally see and understand their side of things as well. Trust me. I get that others within the church might also see me as a leader and would create a lot of angst within the church. Another reason why I believe I need to choose to just step back and humbly accept my position. Just to be who I am. Everyone seems to be fine with who I am. And I have received many praises from others that I inspire them for all that I do, and how I am always available.

I am pretty sure that I am not the only one dealing with this. I bet that every single one of you whom is Gay has experienced this.
How do you get past it or deal with it?

I just need to remember to Glorify God for all that He has done for me and for who He is. That my true title is an heir to His kingdom and a true child of God. That His blood covers me and my stupidity. That I just need to keep plugging along in service, in faith and in love for all others.

For the Love of God!

Recently, as most of us have gone through, I have two dear friends, who believe God has been telling them, "You are Worthless", "You can never be forgiven for the terrible things you have done", "You aren't fit to be human", "There is just no way that you can be saved". Things such as these, DO NOT come from God. These are the things we pile up on ourselves and are things that simply put, come from Satan's lies.

Thankfully for these two friends, we see each other more then just once a week and also are in home study group together, in which we have been studying the book of Romans. Just finishing up on Chapter 8 and 9. Reiterating to them and us, just how vast God's love for us truly is.

No matter what you have done, are doing or what you are caught up in. There is only one thing you can do that God will just say, "I give up on you". That one thing is walking away from Him. God gives us 2, 3, 100, 1000 chances. He never gives up, as long as we continue to follow and move towards Him. If your caught in an addiction. It most likely isn't just going to go away. Its part of who we have become, and it will take time, it may take many times or many years to get rid of it.


Part of the Good news about His love. People ask why Jesus hasn't returned to earth as promised yet. It isn't because he doesn't exist. The reason? He is waiting for us. He wants as many people possible to come to know Him, to be cleansed, for their broken lives to be fixed, and to serve him better. And in waiting, more and more people daily choose to follow Him. That's why He waits. He truly wishes for all to come to Him. To accept His grace, His mercy, His forgiveness. He waits for us to overcome our addictions and our stupid selves. To realize that it's not about us.

Most people fall away from God because they feel as though he hates them, is full of wrath and anger, or don't understand How a good God could let terrible things happen. Hate and Anger? Nothing is farther from the truth, and bad things happen because of sin, evil and the free will we are given.

But, should you choose to walk away from God and want nothing to do with him that is your choice. He gives you that choice. That's how much He loves you. He could have created us to demand that we love Him, but because He loves us, He gave us free will. BUT KNOW THIS.. when you die, having chosen to walk away from Him on earth, then, and only then will you see His wrath. You will be judged, you will be found guilty and just as you chose on earth, He will condemn you to live eternally separated from Him. And now, in your death you finally know that God does exist. Its now too late and YOU WILL live in an eternal hell of separation. And YOU WILL mourn deeply over it FOREVER. Eternity never ends.



The phrase "For the Love of God" is usually used to express extreme annoyance, frustration, surprise, indignation or urgent pleading.
For me, it is simply knowing the love of God.

Coming to know Christ has filled me with a great love, but yet also has filled me with a great sadness.

In Chapter 9 of the Book of Romans. The apostle Paul anguishes that his fellow Jewish friends and family don't believe in the Messiah; the Savior. That they don't see it. That their hearts are hardened. He anguishes over it so much, that he pleads for his salvation to be taken so that they may be saved.

I find myself when in crowds lately, thinking to myself, how sad it is that most, if not all those in the crowd don't know the Glory of knowing or wanting to know Jesus Christ. It saddens me knowing that most people just don't care to know. Or maybe they have heard the incomplete and totally wrong story of who Jesus truly is, thereby could care less, don't believe or don't really know what it means to their eternal future.

I believe that it is innately in all of us that we do know there is a God, but most have chosen to harden their hearts so much to the fact, that the truth is just too far suppressed within them. Everyone does know within themselves, and ALL are welcome to know him. And I thank God that I do. I get it. I have been there. Thinking we are all that. It's all about me. Honestly... it's not.

It just makes life better to know that I am loved. That I don't have to do anything to earn that love.... It's a free gift. He brings us from shame to Honor. God; who is the King, invites us all to eat at his table, as if we were his sons and daughters. Adopting us into his family to enjoy all the perks that only a Kings family could partake in.

I find myself surrounded by my Christian family 3-4 times a week and I can honestly say, that I don't think I have ever been more fulfilled, then when I am with those who have the love of God and Christ within them. Oh sure.. I have been in groups of people I know and had fun (usually in a drunken state) but never did I feel a true sense of love or sense of being, then I do when in a Christian setting surrounded by the love of God.
Having spent the last few months in our Bible Study Group studying the Book of Romans, I am finally coming to the full understanding of just how God's love truly is unconditional and relentless and that nothing can separate us from his love. Romans 8:31-39

He has no favorites. He loves all equally. He loves us even if we don't believe in Him, He loves the dictators. He loves the terrorists. He loves the murderers. He loves the kidnappers. He loves the addicted. and best of all HE LOVES YOU. He loves you in your worst moments as much as he does in your best. He loves us in our worst of sin. He loves you if you promised not to fall into a sin again, and do. He loves us so much that he sent his only son to die for us, to pay for our debt for all the stupid things we do to ourselves, to each other, to all living things and even to the earth; so that we may live.

The shed blood of Jesus covers up our sin. Jesus and his blood cover us, so that when God looks down on us, Jesus gets in the way and God can't see our sin. Its as if it was never there and as if we never sinned. Now that doesn't give us the license to sin. We should be trying not to sin, and if we again do fall into that sin, Thank God that we can fall down on our knees and ask for forgiveness. I find it amazing that when I sin and should want to turn away from God because I let him and myself down, I actually fall down on my knees crying to God in sorrow at how wretched I am, but being able to Glorify him and to thank him that he still loves me and forgives me.

Think about that. Do you have a healthy parent, a sibling, a friend, anyone in your life that you would let die so that someone else could be saved? Someone that you would turn to and say, "I am sorry, but I am going to have to let you be put to death, so that you can pay for the stupidity of these other people". I don't and I couldn't. That is love.

All He has asked us to do is have faith, to believe in the death of Jesus Christ on the cross for us, and to love one another, unconditionally, just as he does for us. What is so difficult about that? Why is it that so many people find it so hard to do or believe?

Did you know that to Love Your Neighbor is one of the Bible's most repeated commands? Here is just a few of them: Mark 12:31, Leviticus 19:18, Luke 6:27, Matthew 22:36-40, Luke 10: 25-37, Romans 15:2, Matthew 19:19, John 15:12, 1 John 4:21, James 2:8, John 15:10-12, 1 John 3:23

If we could show the unconditional love of Christ for all; regardless of someones addictions, lifestyles, quirks, beliefs or unbelief's, what a change we could make in this world. No longer would Christians be seen as hateful, hypocritical, judgmental human beings. Perhaps, just perhaps more people would want to be a part of us and want to believe in the God that deserves to be Glorified for all His goodness. In Jesus that wants to save.

Isn't it funny how we Christians teach to love all as your own, and not to judge, yet we are the worst at this then almost anyone else. This has truly hurt multitudes of people and multitudes have chosen to walk away, to be no part of Religion, God or Christ ever again.

I do still get hurt by the church. Being told that I can't be a leader. Feeling that there are parts of church service that I won't be able to partake in, because of who I am. Gay. In the realm of things.. that is small potatoes. I didn't choose to follow Christ so I could do that stuff. I chose to follow because I want to live, to breathe, to truly be 100% free and forgiven. To be surrounded by those who choose the same. I choose to live with him eternally. That's the big picture. I try to keep telling myself to stop getting caught up in the little things. Besides.. wanting to be a leader is probably my earthly pride trying to step in, so I can be seen as someone who matters.

Perhaps this judgement and hypocrite stuff could be the reason for such people as those whose only thought in life is to kill Christians. Perhaps this is the reason these people and terrorists have become so disillusioned with us. And as terrible as these people can be, we actually should be praying for them. For a change of heart. For a realization within them, that what they are doing is not for God and it is wrong.

God does have a perfect plan for all of this though and thru such terrible things such as these he chooses to use that to work out a more perfect plan. I read an article the other day that although ISIS/ISIL is killing Christian's, that actually more Muslims and non-believers are turning to and becoming Christians. How crazy is that? They are being threatened to be killed for being Christian, but yet they see how the Muslim religion has been so far misrepresented that they can no longer be associated with it and find Jesus.. How beautiful is that.

I know that I have kind off gone of tangent here, but my whole point here is that God is Good all the time. He is all loving and all forgiving. If you don't know who Jesus is, get to know him and then study the Book of Romans with someone. It is an up and down book of the Bible, but if you truly study it with others, it is so full of good news and revelations it will blow your mind.

Do no fear God. He wants you to enjoy a life filled with abundance. With unfailing love. He loved us before we were born. He knew who we would become and how we would mess everything up while we were yet unborn. That's the reason for Christ, Our Savior.

If you don't know him. For the Love of God. Please do. The journey to redemption can be hard at times, but it is the long road worth taking.

I love you my friend.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Should I Stay or Should I Go? Remind you of a song? Yup.. The song was written and recorded by English punk rock band the Clash in 1981. How perfect a name for a post about Struggling. The clash of being good or evil. The clash to do bad when you really just want to be good. The song says, "if I go there will be trouble. If I stay there will be double. Oh how those words ring true in a Christian life.

Never did I think that being a Christian would be so difficult. I was under the belief that everything would be bright and beautiful. Little did I know it would be more difficult then before. Before it didn't matter.

If you read my last post, you know that I have been struggling with my good old friend depression again. Most of it was brought on by another evil friend of mine. Sin. The uncontrolled selfish sinful side of my life called lust, desire, temptation and giving in. I prayed and prayed for God to take the desire away from me to no avail. Why couldn't God just give this one to me? Why is this sin constantly in my head. Why won't He just take the desire away from me?

For the last few weeks I have been going through this tug-of-war with my self and God. Not wanting God, but knowing I need Him. Loving God but being so angry with Him. Wanting to walk away from God, but wanting more of Him. Believing that Jesus died for the sin of everyone....but mine. I was riddled yet again with guilt, failure, disappointment and the fear of lost salvation. I truly believed that God had left me, that He didn't care for me and could care less about my prayers or concerns.
Then I saw these words on another bloggers page, "God responded to me. Why would I spare you trials in this life, if I didn't even spare my own son". Now I feel like a complete idiot.

It's so true how deep down inside of us we know that, but our brain and our heart don't connect the data and we end up being all muddled. We as humans are born into a sin nature and it's just in our blood to want to do those things that are bad for us. As crazy as it seems, if your sin bothers you.. That's good. You admit you need to be saved from it.

Just as Paul says in the bible

God also strangely brought me back in to Romans Chapter 7 which our home group just studied, and how perfectly that I am leading Chapter 8 in home group next week. Isn't it strange how I was led to lead this chapter, as it spoke so directly to me in this very moment of my life.

Nothing good we do can make God love us any more, and nothing bad we do can ever make God love us any less. Hardships, persecutions, famines and dangers will come, but in Romans, Paul says, that these sufferings do not in any way imply that God's love has fled.

So here's the thing... There is only one reason I became and remain a Christian.
It isn't because its a cure for depression, alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, anger, lust, sex, on and on. Although, I do thank God for taking some of these away from me instantly over night and never having gone back. One day, all these scars we earn here, will be treasured like medals in heaven.

I am a Christian because I believe in God. I always have. I just had the bible interpreted to me all wrong in the past. I believe the word of God. I believe in Jesus Christ. Not as just a prophet or a messenger, but as the true savior. The one and only person who saves us from our sin. The one and only; through whom we go to receive the eternal reward. Because I choose to have faith & believe that thru him and only thru him do we get to heaven.



I know what people say about the Bible. How can you believe the Bible when it states that slavery is okay. Incest was okay. That you shouldn't eat this or that. You shouldn't wear this or that.. this is right when it should be wrong. This is wrong when it should be right. Evolution versus Creation. We could go on for days.
People often take the bible out of context. They take on a scripture or a chapter and misconstrue it to fit their own ridiculous agenda. The bible has to be read in whole and wholly understood.

The truth of the matter is, we struggle. That's just the way it is. The nature that we were born into. It always is and always will be, until the return of Jesus himself to make it all the way it was to be. And now that we are Christian, we are more aware of our sin and because we are more aware of it, we struggle more with it, then we would as non-believers.

Here are a quite a few things to ponder when you hit the struggle to continue in faith.
There are over forty verses in the New Testament that specifically emphasize the death of Jesus "for us", in the place of us, as a substitute for us. Here are just a few to ponder:

while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us [Romans 5:8]
Christ suffered for us [1 Peter 3:18]
Jesus was a propitiation for our sins [1 John 4:10]
This is my body/blood given for you [Luke 22:20]
God made him who had no sin, become sin for us [2 Corinthians 5:21]
Christ became a curse for us [Galatians 3:13]
Christ Jesus who gave himself as a ransom for all [1 Timothy 2:6]
Christ loved us and gave himself up for us [Ephesians 5:2]
By the grace of God he might taste death for us [Hebrews 2:9]
He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not for ours only, but for the sins of the whole world [1 John 2:2]

God is completely for us, and so not against us. We will groan in agony at how wretched we are, but with faith and hope in what's to come, our Savior Jesus Christ rubs our bodies and our wounds with his blood, washing it away and washing us clean, forgetting our sin, clothing us in white and calling us heirs to His thrown.
These struggles are difficult as we go through them, and how fast we forget (I have even blogged about it before) that in the end, our struggle make us stronger. Why is that?

Because our struggles cause us to be humble. To kneel down and ask for forgiveness. To pray for more of God. To thank him for all he has done and will do in our lives, and most of all to thank Him for loving us so much that he didn't even spare his own child to die for us.

Besides.. this is not all about us. It's all about the Glory of God.
God's affection and actions for us precede any response we offer. They are not conditioned on our being for him. God's gifts are given without conditions or strings attached. That is Grace, and having tasted the the Lord is good, we will willingly want to give our all to him.

We have a great God to love, and we have a great cause to love God.

My Depression-My Broken Pride-My Broken Self

What a tough week this has been for me. I reached the end of my rope and sadness and with that I ended up cursing God at the top of my lungs, hating him, and telling him that I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. But when I look back on it now, I wonder if I was just really more upset with myself or am I truly angry with him. I really thought and expected to be so much further in my walk with him, then I am. Part of my anger. And really.. deep within my heart, I knew and he knew that I really didn't mean what I was saying. It was all just major frustration. But it was uncalled for and never should have crossed my thoughts or lips.

Really, It's a bit of anger on both sides. But mostly on my side and as we all do, needing to take it out on someone else. Our pride gets the best of us. I'll be honest and I'll be upfront as I know many are struggling with the same thing. I still struggle with pornography, and that of course leads to thoughts of wanting to take it further which would lead to major destruction and penalties. Although it's not the daily struggle that it used to be, I do still struggle with this about once a week. It sickens me and it disgusts me.

I have prayed, prayed, prayed and even pleaded with God, over and over and over to please just take the desire away from me. Obviously that isn't working.. So I let it all out at him. Screaming at the top of my lungs," Why won't you take this away from me!!"  Seems like we give the brunt of all our anger to God for not fixing us, instead of screaming at Satan for not leaving us alone.

I just don't understand it all really. If He wants us all to be saved and truly does love us, why would he not take it away, or not allow us to be tempted by the evil one, if he knows where that behavior could lead us? I do know that when I give in, I immediately ask for forgiveness and continually turn back to Him. After all, where else would I go?  And then of course, I cry and thank him for his payment of my debt. Perhaps that's the only point He has right now. To make me see how much I/We really need Him. I do know that God is for us.. He is not laughing at us, or mad at us.. His interest really is what is best for us.

What is really strange, is I have found that when I wake up in the morning and tell Satan, "You are not going to get me today" that seems to be the day that I eventually end up giving in. Obviously when I call it out to him, he attacks me even harder. So I now am just going to give it to God. What happens, happens.

These last few weeks of giving in and not being able to control it, has sent me back into depression, which as we all know, has been the big topic this week due to Robin Williams suicide. Mind you, I am not in the deep and unrelenting depression that I had been in the past, but I do have the attitude that I just want to die. Just want to be done with it all. I honestly just hate it on this earth. NO.. I am not suicidal, but I really just want to be done with this world, which just seems to get worse and worse, and move forward to that better place reserved for me.

I keep asking myself, "Are you really depressed or just upset with yourself". How can you possibly be so depressed? You live a very blessed and quite easy and kick back life. Not having to worry about paying the bills, you have a roof over your head. You have all the things that you could want or need. You have plenty of food on the table. It's not like you live in a country where you are being kicked out of your home for being Christian, the threat of decapitation, torture, slavery, hunger, etc.... You have water, electricity, Air Conditioning and Heat..

That's what depression is. It just is. I can't really tell you what brings it on. It.... just is and it.... just does. It isn't something you can control. Its feeling alone when your not, feeling unloved, even when everyone tell you they love you. Having no energy to do anything. Its staring at the television in a fetal position and not really paying attention to what your watching. Its your mind in a state of thinking yet thinking of nothingness. Its not caring about anything at all.. not even yourself. It's a ball and chain that has you wrapped up in its links of bondage and holding you down or keeping you within its reach with all its weight.

There were quite a few hateful comments, even from people I knew, about Robin Williams and his suicide. That he was a chicken shit for taking the easy way out. Even on twitter, people belittled and harassed his daughter due to his suicide. She had to delete all her social media and to stop reading her email.

If you haven't dealt with depression. You have no right to judge it. You DON"T understand it, but you need to.

If you have dealt with depression yourself and not thru someone you know and still thought Robin Williams was Chicken Shit, then you didn't experience deep depression. And if you did, my apologies, but you should know better then to criticize.

Ben Irwin who is another blogger I read, had posted this below, and I couldn't state it  any better:

I don’t know what it’s like to seriously contemplate, much less attempt, suicide.
So what on earth would compel me to think I have the right to judge someone who has?

I can’t “stomach the thought of suicide” either (to use the words of a certain, notoriously offensive blogger). But that doesn’t give me the right to dismiss or diminish the experiences of those who can. Just the opposite. The fact that I can’t should be all the reminding I need that I have NO CLUE what it’s like to walk in their shoes.
So maybe I should just shut up and listen instead.

Take a few moments to read some of the tweets that people have shared this week using the #faithinthefog hashtag started by @lukeharms. Listen to their stories.
Read this post by Nish Weiseth in which she shares her own experience with depression and suicide. Or this one by Sarah Moon. Or this one by R.L. Stollar. If you are like me, then the fact that you can’t fully understand or relate to their stories is why you need to hear them.

Remember… depression is not “sin.” It is not a “spiritual issue.” The answer to depression or thoughts of suicide is not simply to “pray more” or “be more spiritual” or just “will yourself out of it.” To quote R.L. Stollar, “Mental health is as real and concrete as physical health and needs to be treated as such.”

Remember… those of us who don’t have direct experience with this kind of depression don’t have any framework for making sense of it. And the ones we construct are almost always misguided or wrong. To quote Nish Weiseth:

Depression is a clinically-diagnosed mental illness… It’s not selfish to struggle with depression. It’s not a lack of understanding about God and his creation. It’s not something to be ashamed of. Those who don’t struggle with depression, who don’t feel the ongoing darkness… they try to understand and make sense of it. Label it as selfish and the easy way out. Call the suicidal “cowards.” But that’s not the mind of a person in the grips of unrelenting darkness. When depression corners you like that, it makes you believe that suicide is joy. Suicide is relief. And in some instances, it makes you think that suicide is a blessing or a gift to others. It can feel like the brave and noble thing to do.

Depression is a terrible thing, like Nish said. But what’s even more terrible is to condemn or dismiss rather than support those who experience it. To chalk it up to a lack of faith on their part or a lack of dependence on God or whatever. To ignore the very real physical and chemical causes of (and treatments for) depression. To say it’s a “spiritual” issue, as if spirit and body are two separate things—as if one matters and the other doesn’t. (Hello, Gnosticism.)

Remember… if we haven’t walked in someone else’s shoes, then the best thing we can do is to follow Micah J. Murray’s advice and simply shut up and listen.

And if we say anything at all, may it be: You are good. You are loved. And we are here with you, no matter what.

Thru all my anger, yelling, hatred, depression and feeling sorry for myself; I have once again been put in my place.

I humbly bowed down and asked God and Jesus for forgiveness. To forgive my Anger. To forgive my pride. To forgive my stupidity. To forgive my unbelief. To give me the fervor to follow Jesus that I once had.

I know that God's Love is unrelentless, and as he has done, more times then I truly deserve. He Loves me. He Forgives me. He Gives me unfathomable Grace and He gives me His endless Mercy.

I shouldn't hate this life. He gave it to me for a reason. I just haven't found it yet. Maybe there is nothing to be found. Maybe it's just to be me. Maybe its not this big wonderful thing that I am meant to do, like I see in so many others at church.

And although I would like to live on this earth without this sin so I can have peace and freedom while here. I need to Just be me. Try to be good. Try to love. Try not to judge. Try not to get all caught up in being what I feel I should be. I may fail and I may fall, but one way or another; whether it be on this earth or in death. My sin will be overcome.