Making a New - New Year's Tradition

What if you could take your emotional baggage on a trip, to find that when you land, and when you arrive at baggage claim to pick it up, that it magically disappeared. Got lost in transit. Where did it go? Never to be found or to enter your life again? Would you care?

This week I flew home to visit my family, and last night we had a family dinner and get together of roughly 30 of us. It was something I so needed. Honestly, I didn't want it to end as fast as it did. I often regret having moved away from home. Missing all my nieces and nephews having kids. Getting to know their kids as well as getting to know them, my siblings and my parents better.

A week before I left home, I thought to myself. What if they ask me to pray before dinner. I had this beautiful & wonderful prayer all thought out, about despite our hardships, we thank God for all the blessings he has given us. For giving us a family that cares & loves each other as much as we do Him, Prayer to heal us, to give us peach & freedom from suffering and pain in our lives, Etc.....

Never did I think that I would actually be asked to Pray. But I was asked and as usual, as I started praying, I got nervous and flubbed it all up.

I hated it. I sounded so stupid. Why can't I just get over this praying in front of others thing. I always fear that I won't sound eloquent enough. I put so much pressure on myself that it just doesn't come out the way I wish it had. To have it flow out of my mouth effortless, meaningful, touching others hearts & souls & touching them with a thought or inkling of the Love of God; right in that moment. Part of me also wanted them to know, that Look. I have changed. I am a man of God. You can now believe that it is true. I am no longer the lost person I once was.. But I digress...


So I wake up from a dream that really horrified me at 3AM and couldn't go back to sleep for fear that it would come back. And then the thoughts on this post kept running through my head, weighed heavy on my heart and I had to share them, and as many times in the past, God keeps nudging me to stay awake and write out my thoughts before they are lost. Thank goodness for naps. :)

The thing about my prayer is;  it is now in the past. I can't change it. It is done and it is over. Forget about it and move on. 364 days ago, I decided to give part of my past to God, to forget about it and to move on. I asked Him to take my alcohol and smoking addiction completely away. I was using it to escape and cope with my anger at how religion had treated me, and for Who I was (a gay man) and thinking that I was going to hell for it. Being mad at God for making me this way. And amazingly I woke up One Year Ago today, my cravings for it, and my guilt about being gay and being angry with God and religion was done. It was finished.

Matthew 11:28New Living Translation (NLT)

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.

I have been thinking about the many friends who have come into my life, in the last few months. Those in my Bible Study Group and even those in my family, who are suffering. Something in their lives that is holding them back from moving forward and onward. Throwing them in addictions that they just can't break. Something, maybe even that they themselves are holding over their own head that they just can't let go of.

Escaping into alcohol, drugs or some other coping mechanism to escape whatever it is that is holding them hostage. I get it.. I have been there. Believe it or not, We have all been there and still are at times. If he can forgive me of the horrifying, degrading and putrid things that I have done, He can most certainly forgive you.

If its a loss of someone or something. I understand. It stinks, it's not fair and it hurts deep and hard. Life isn't ever fair. I am not saying get over it, but we do need to move on somehow. Life is moving forward and we have things that need to be done and need to be taken care of, and we can't do that if we keep holding on to the past. Holding onto our baggage, holding on to the thoughts of the idiotic things we do and the terrible ways that we treat each other. We are human. We were born into this sin nature that takes our lives and makes us to stupid things.

Some people find it hard to believe that God is a loving father. Their role models of a father or even their mother has not been pleasant. So that thought of God, our Father being loving is skewed to say the least. But let me be clear before I ask you to take this next step. Our true Father; God, is nothing but love. He is not angry at you. He does not hate you. He never leaves you. He is and will always be there to pick you up.
If you are reading this post and it speaks directly to you. You being stuck in the past and can't let it go. I ask you to do something right this very minute. And take it seriously. Maybe it would help to have a Christian friend there with you.

Turn off your TV, your phone, your radio, and all the sounds around you. Cut out all the distractions. Now sit in your favorite chair, sit on your couch or even on the floor. Wherever you are the most comfortable and feel at peace. Now close your eyes and Imagine that your best friend, your best buddy; God or Jesus (whichever makes you most comfortable) is sitting right next to you; face to face; with both of his hands holding yours. What is he saying to you?

If he is telling you that you are a failure, a loser, you will never amount to anything, you are worthless... THAT IS NOT GOD, NOR IS IT JESUS. That my friends is Satan, sitting there as if he is God. Did he trick you? That's what he does and that's what he is best at. Trying to imitate God and trap you in his snare. Not even he can be happy with his own identity. He is the one trying to hold you hostage. He is the liar, the deceiver and the voice in your head that wishes to weigh you down in heavy chains of burden and guilt. So heavy that you can't get free to move any further ahead. Speak to him and tell him in the name of Jesus Christ, that he is not welcome here anymore. Tell him to get up and leave your home. Get mad at him until he gets up and walks out that door. That chair and your space is only open to God. Now that he is gone. Never mention his name again. He is done and he is finished.

Now imagine the true God sits down. He reaches over to you and places his hands, gently on each side of your face, lovingly he forces you to look into his eyes. Then he places his hands on your shoulders, looking you eye to eye, and He say's to you, "I Love You", "I know everything you have done. It doesn't matter". Then he starts stroking the back of your head and pulls you into him and holds you. Placing your head on his shoulder, He puts his arms around you and He says, "It's all in the past. You are my forever child. Nothing you have done, or said, or thought. Nothing that you will ever do will affect our relationship. I love you. You are forgiven. All those things you have done. All those things that others have said to you. All the ways that others have tore you down. All the ways that you can't forgive yourself. My child, Its all in the past. Neither you or I can change that. So let it go. Gather all your baggage, All the dead weight, all your heavy burdens and hand them over to me. They are no longer your burdens to carry, they are mine to deal with now. Never to be seen or heard of again. I died so that you could live. So you could live free of all the mistakes and failures that you think you have created or done. You are human. I made you perfect. I knew all that you would do even before you were even born. Yet despite all of that and this. I CHOSE YOU. I chose you to be a child of God. I Love You. Just as you are and right where you are at. LET IT GO. I am your real and true father. My Love is all you need".


God is telling you to forget the past. You can't change it. Don't let anyone or anything disqualify you from God's love or even from loving yourself. God forgives, so that you may life.

I know it is hard. Trust me. I still struggle with things that I did yesterday or the day before. But I forget about it. I sincerely cry to God and ask him to forgive me and I move on and move forward in my walk with Him.

I am sincerely asking you, begging you and pleading with you to make this change. This is what changed my life. I know that you may have been hurt by religion. But remember, religion is made up of people. It's not religion that hurt you. It's people. It's not God that hurt you, It was people. It was the devil and his minions. You will always be hurt by people. Even Christians. People hurt people, even when it was not meant to hurt you. That's our past baggage welling up inside of us again.
But I urge you. Find a church. One that fits you. None of them will be perfect, and it my take visiting quite a few before you find one that fits. My fit was one that was non-denominational. I didn't want to fit in the box of Lutheran, Mormon, Catholic, Protestant, etc.. on and on. I already have a label that is given to me "Gay".
I don't need another one.

I am a Christian. A follower of Jesus. I don't need a denomination telling me how to live or what rules to follow. That is not what it is about. Man made most of the rules. The Jews came up with 613 commandments. :'( Not God. Who do you know that can even follow the 10 commandments that God did give us, let alone 613? Even God knows that we can't keep his 10. Why do you think that Jesus had to die and shed his blood for us?

So find a church. YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE FIXED BEFORE YOU GO TO CHURCH. Go to church first. Right where you are. Be honest and up front with people. If you need help or prayer. ASK FOR IT. If they are true followers of Jesus, they will talk you thru it. they may want to spend time with you. They will pray for you. Going to church, learning the Bible (join a bible study group) this is what will fix you. It will be a slow process.

Psalm 34:18 Living Bible (TLB)

The Lord is close to those whose hearts are breaking; he rescues those who are humbly sorry for their sins.
 

It took me a year to break the alcohol and smoking addiction. One year later I am still dealing with other things. If you have been following my blog, you know what those are. One day.. I will break those chains that are holding me down as well. Hopefully with this 40 day challenge those will be broken off.

Here is another challenge, and I wrote about this exactly one year ago. In the Bible, 40 days is talked about often. And it always has to do with testing or judgement. It is usually the length of time necessary to accomplish some major part of God's plan.
New Year's day is just about 40 days away. On day number 1 of the new year, most of us make resolutions to change. But last year, I made a new resolution. On New Years day, I want to be able to celebrate change, not start it. So last year I started the 40 day challenge. My challenge last year was to never again pick up another drink with alcohol in it or another cigarette. I gave in on each once during that time, but the instant they hit my lips. I tossed it. Never to touch them again this entire year. It is finished.

This year is a new challenge. And when I get back home from visiting my family, the New Year will be 43 days away. I will fast for most likely a week, possibly more and praying earnestly to God to forgive me and to change me. For his will to be done in me.
I ask that you look deep within yourself. Are you happy in your current life? Is your life getting any better without God, Jesus or church in it? Have you listened to all the things religion has stuffed down your throat that is a complete and utter lie? Is your pattern of life making you happy or plain miserable?

My life has been so much better since I found God. Since I found church. Since I joined a Bible Study Group and am learning what Christ really is about. You won't find out the truth from TV or the news, or non-christians.

John 8:32New International Version (NIV)

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

My life has only gotten better. It took me decades to figure that out. Don't let decades pass you by.. Do it now. Make this year truly a year of change for you. The change that truly matters. Not the change that matters to others. Stop worrying about what others think of you and focus on what God wants for you. He is the only thing that will matter in the scope of things now and when you are gone from this earth.

The beauty is that God loves us so much that he gives us the free will to choose, but we are not free from the consequences of our choice.

Place Your Life Before God

Romans 12:2The Message (MSG)

So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

It's Not the Title that's Important! Is it?

Titles can be important. The title of a blog (which I am not good at), a news article, A Title at work, but as Religion always seems to be the opposite of what we know; Is a title at church a good thing?

I have been trying to deal with an issue that because I am Gay, I am hoping for something that I can quite possibly never have or attain.

I am wholly accepted for who I am at church and shown nothing but love and respect. I serve the church weekly in many ways, and I am always readily available to help out or step in whenever or wherever needed. I get so much joy out of it. Besides, It just feels right in serving and helping others as well as God. It is always good for the soul to chip in.

When we go the extra mile where we work, we want a pat on the back. A thank you from someone. Words of praise. We expect something for it. We want promotions and titles. But at church. I don't expect it nor do I really need it, but then lately my pride starts getting in the way. Not for the serving, but for what has been offered and what has been taken away.

I was told a few months ago that although I am hosting a bible study group in my home once a week, that I can't be the leader. Even though nobody in this group is willing to step up and lead. That because I have a same sex partner, I won't be allowed or even considered by the church to lead the group. Now mind you. I don't really want to lead the group either, but I also don't want the group to stop, so I offered.

Yes my partner and I sleep in the same bed (huge King Size by the way) usually with dogs or pillows in between us and we have been non-sexual for over 10 years. So you would think that it wouldn't be an issue to always be used against me. But I am told, "Well if you sleep in the same bed, the temptation is too much". Really? So the decade that we have shared a bed and haven't hardly even touched isn't enough? I struggle more with thoughts of having sex outside of my relationship. Just so I can touch and be touched. I know.. what a stupid statement and an oxymoron.

Funny how in the Bible, God talks about how it is better to be single, but if a man or woman can't control themselves, then they should marry and that you shouldn't leave your marriage. So the very high divorce rate within church isn't an issue for leadership? The singles with significant others isn't a problem? Are they honest about their sexual relationship? Yes.. I could lie about it, but I won't.

1 Corinthians 7:8-11The Message (MSG)

^8-9 I do, though, tell the unmarried and widows that singleness might well be the best thing for them, as it has been for me. But if they can’t manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single.

^10-11 And if you are married, stay married. This is the Master’s command, not mine. If a wife should leave her husband, she must either remain single or else come back and make things right with him. And a husband has no right to get rid of his wife.

Pardon me for being blunt. My usual anger is starting to come out and show. But it must be nice to be able to have a God sanctioned marriage so because you can't control yourself, you can marry, and have someone to help with your urge. Someone to experiment with. Someone who can hold you, cuddle you and touch you with full on love.

I don't think that most people in the church realize just how hard it is to lead a whole life being celibate. A life of not being held. A life not being able to share with someone you care for or vice versa. Also while trying not to masterbate,  watch porn, to get relief from the strong urges and demons that continually corrupt your mind. Trying to live a life suppressing that your entire lifetime. Let's be honest here. I am sorry, but the saying that God is all that you need is a lie. If that were true, then we all would be okay just being single and celibate.

Heterosexuals can tell me 24/7 that they understand. But you don't. I can't have a child that is biologically both a part of me and my partner. I can't have God sanction my partnership. Yes. I can get married. But it will be looked down on by not only Christians but by God. And all those that I would want to invite to see me married wouldn't come just for the mere fact it is a Gay wedding. I could go on and on. And stop telling Gay people and Gay couples that they must be celibate or leave their relationship. I am pretty sure the blood of Jesus can handle that. You aren't doing any of them favors and you aren't bringing anyone to God or staying with God telling them otherwise. Better to remind yourself that you got married for a reason. Because even you yourself couldn't control yourself. How heavy is that log in your eye now?

So you ask. Why do you and your partner even stay together? Why not just end your relationship and move on? Just like a heterosexual couple, we made a commitment to stay with each other thru thick and thin, and quite honestly, I need someone in my life who cares for me, whom I care for. Someone to share moments and life with.

Sorry God, but I cannot and will not be alone. I have to have faith that the blood covers me. Why is it that the Gay man or women are excluded from the same sanctioning from God as the heterosexual. Also to be excluded from everything else in life that God says they can enjoy. And to be even more frank. I know for a fact that without my partner in my life, I would go back to drinking, probably smoking, daily porn, possibly anonymous sexual encounters and would probably not attend church much at all. I am not as strong as some of you may be.

I fully believe that God places us all with where we are at and whom we are with. Every person I have met, or left has gotten me to where I am at today. Without my partner, as I have said many times, I am not quite sure I would have come back to God. We helped each other to make that mutual decision two years ago.

1 Corinthians 7:17 The Message (MSG)
¹⁷ And don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life. Don’t think I’m being harder on you than on the others. I give this same counsel in all the churches.

So I was told that I can't be a leader of my home group, but now am being asked if I want to be a leader of another team within the church. Which requires a one on one meeting to discuss first. I have much trepidation and angst about the whole thing as I know that I am going to be asked to change my relationship in order to do so. Which is fully known that I won't do that. So why would they even ask? It's quite upsetting. Why are you setting me up for major disappointment. Have I not dealt with enough of that in my life as a gay person.  I really want the title of leader, and part of me says its just Pride getting in the way. Another part of me says that it could be a major lesson for a lot of people within the church. Funny thing is... it's not really much of a leadership position as most of them are.. It's really a minor leadership. But it is a stepping stone.

I have been told, have felt and its funny that I ran into a sermon today that mentioned that a title means nothing. It's just our pride. We always want to have our name in lights. To be seen by others as being special. Being someone important. I don't need a title to lead in the church. Nor do I need a title to minister, disciple, encourage others, to pray with or for others, nor do I need the title to inspire others. I can do all of that without the need of a title. I have felt that I am being told to just be humble. To turn down the offer and just be me. To not get caught up in it all. All that is small potatoes to what is in store for me.

It does still bother me that within the church, it is always about what man wants. Its not about what God wants. There are no conditions on the Grace and mercy of God, yet those conditions are always placed on me as a Gay man.

I strongly feel that me being a leader would be a major plus within the church. I think it would be saying that we don't just talk the talk, but we walk the walk. When we say that we accept all that we mean it. I feel as though others who are struggling with forgiveness would look at me, as a Gay man in leadership and think to themselves, "If the gay man can be forgiven, accepted and be a man of God, then how much more am I forgiven and accepted for the things that I have done".

Besides. It's not my business what the single heterosexuals do or don't do in their bedroom. Neither is it your business. Why being Gay is just associated with we are always having sex just boggles my mind. I don't assume that you are always having sex and I really don't care to know. I am a human. An individual. By being defined as gay does not mean that I am a pervert. Get over it already please.

Now don't get me wrong. I see their side as well. There have been a few gay people in our church before we arrived. But we are the first couple. And our leaders are trying to fit that in and tread lightly. And I don't blame them. I can totally see and understand their side of things as well. Trust me. I get that others within the church might also see me as a leader and would create a lot of angst within the church. Another reason why I believe I need to choose to just step back and humbly accept my position. Just to be who I am. Everyone seems to be fine with who I am. And I have received many praises from others that I inspire them for all that I do, and how I am always available.

I am pretty sure that I am not the only one dealing with this. I bet that every single one of you whom is Gay has experienced this.
How do you get past it or deal with it?

I just need to remember to Glorify God for all that He has done for me and for who He is. That my true title is an heir to His kingdom and a true child of God. That His blood covers me and my stupidity. That I just need to keep plugging along in service, in faith and in love for all others.